If I were President!

If I were President, there would be a few things I would “adjust”. First, all senators would have to re-apply for their jobs. If they didn’t cut the interview process, then perhaps they could get a job training interns or something (senator elections are over). Did I mention the interview would be done in front of Ted Nugent, who has this for doctrine.

High School students, get ready, you’re going into the military.....

for at least two years after graduation. Lord knows you need to grow up and get a “real life” clue, if you survive that then maybe we will talk about college grants and letting you work while you attend classes. Sports would be put back into schools to help teach snot nosed kids about respect, dedication, team and responsibility. Their coach would be the honorable President Eisenhower and “Terry Tate” would be the assistant coach. Teachers would get max pay, but if your ass is sleeping in class the teacher has a new line of credit for disciplining students and can open what ever size can of whoop ass desired on you. If students choose not to cooperate, then the new head of the Dept of Education, Arnold Schwarzenegger would help out. “Get to da chaawper, do it neeow” “If you bleed, you can learn”. He would be augmented and reinforced by a rotating group of UFC cage fighters. The new 2008 education slogan is “Something for something, nothing for nothing”.

One of many concerns is homeland security and boarder control. Thus, we would do away with “boarder control” and upgrade all to become full fledged Texas Rangers and engage  a Chuck Norris, “Chuctatorship” law. Simple, you cross our boarder and you’re not suppose to you have to meet chuck. It will be known as the “leave or die policy.”  If you want to become a US citizen, then you go thru the proper procedures and add to society, however, if you don’t think you have to contribute to society, see “Ted Nugents link” above.

The Dept of defense will be overseen by John Wayne. Wait, he’s dead right? No, because we cloned his DNA before putting him in the ground and now he will be backing Chuck Norris on the boarder patrol and will be supreme allied Texas Ranger. (Nato falls under that as well).

All prisons will be officially known as “Hard knocks” and will be located in all of our major deserts. No TVs, only 1970s era military cotton tents and cots. No weights, no fun, just hot temps and a lot of manual labor that sucks really bad. Oh ya, it will be tobacco free as well, sorry, not even cigars! ( I have a friend that worked at a cable company that actually received a phone call from a prison regarding their cable outage…..are you shitting me?) Done, no more cable outage problems.  While on this topic, if you smart off to a cop, your going to a “Hard knock”, if you try to out run a cop, deal drugs or any of the other things your mom told you not to do …….send a post car cause you are going to the desert.

Speaking of cigars, this BS tax to pay “billy” for doing nothing crap and paying for it by taxing cigars……yip it’s gone. New smoking law in affect immediately, if you don’t like the cigar smoke, don’t go to restaurants that allow smoking. I don’t think we will have any problems in the political field on this one because Marisa Miller will be the new White House spokes woman. Elvis (see DNA reasoning above with John Wayne) will sing most NFL National Anthems. For that matter all of the Fox and ESPN “on the field” female reporters will be mandated to be replaced with Sport Illustrated models. Are the ones we have now really the best out there???? If that doesn’t rest well with you, there is always soccer or Dr Phil to watch. Waaa. Take your ball and go home.

I’m not sure what the hell happened to the good old

USA

, where we had guys that worked for NASA and made it a personal mission to get our boys to the moon. Those kind of guys were what made us “

America

!” The ones that kicked the crap out of the Germans and Japenese during the great World Wars. Where, military guys were heroes back in the 40s and the country wasn’t afraid to go kick the crap out of the Russians or anyone else that wanted a piece of us. Castro, you’re lucky we don’t own

cuba

my friend.  Muscle cars would be reproduced from the factory stamps, not like these damn match box cars I see now that can fit in my huge gas burning club cab truck. Yes, I don’t mind spending $100 to fill my gigantazilla truck up with gas! No, I will not back off of your bumper just because you car is soo small my headlights pierce your soul. I’m not too sure what generation gap fell out of the spittoon of life and screwed it up, but the whole touch feely care bear days are gone my friend. Regardless who is elected President, McCain, the other guy or someone after that it doesn’t matter because we as Americans can have a say and stand for something. You think you can run a corrupt business and escape penalties if you foreclose? Wrong! If you think you don’t owe your country a civil service or even an honest day of work? Wrong! If you think you can get something for nothing……..bada bing,………Wrong!

Comments

[Brass!]

OOHRAH, Major! I see you were using my notes (again)!

[ashley]

I'd like to write you in. And I can send my worthless 19 year old brother your way for some straightening up?

[Maj Pain]

Brass-great minds think alike!
Ashley-let me know what time I need to pick him up:)

[anon]

How about Constitutional Amendment requiring that our POTUS have honorable US military service for a minimum of 4 years?

[anon]

Thanks for bringing us these ideas. It never hurts to rehash where we have been and where we are going.

The US military has never been stronger. Could it be due to its voluntary structure? Maybe we should continue to incentivize military service by using a bigger carrot. Seems that military service is still undervalued by many Americans. By increasing the benefits, that could change. Things like preferential acceptance to colleges, professional schools and trade schools, preferential union hiring and a pension plan for every year of service would help. Our military academies could also increase class size--every year hundreds of good students are rejected because it is so competitive to get in.

[DCW]

Major Pain for President!!! Hoorah!!! So, who'll be your running mate?

[MarineMom]

Behnind you 100%
Semper Fi

[blynn]

major - you kick butt!
7 of 9 of my uncles were in the service. my son leaves in 3 weeks for USMC bootcamp! always love your posts. keep up the good work.

[Leta]

Gosh MP ~ this is EXACTLY the America I want to live in. I know we can always count on you! Give me my orders. I'm ready to roll!

[chtrbx]

Great post Maj...

Hey DCW...how 'bout a Maj Pain and TACO ticket??....

[MissBirdlegs in AL]

You got my vote! I'm so tired of whiny-ass people I could squeal!

[Tammi]

Hell yeah! You got my vote!

[Vote]

A vote for Maj Pain is better than a vote for Obama :)

[Lynn]

Great post Maj.P, as usual you're spot on.

[Callee]

Can I vote for you? Please? Anyone who advocates John Wayne gets my vote.

I love it! Awesome post!

[GunnNutt]

chtrbx - I think Taco would do much better at Sec. of State. Or, maybe John Bolton. I LOVE Dr. Rice, but I think the job needs someone who , er... lacks diplomacy. I can just hear Taco asking Achmedoushibag "Give me one good reason why we shouldn't nuke your sorry ass country."

Using the DNA theory again, could we have Gen Patton for SecDef? Maj. P, you've really started something here!!!!

[Carol Barnett]

We need Terry Tate where I work "quick, fast & in a hurry" to quote a different Major Payne (Damon Wayans). Four people here took a two hour lunch yesterday, then took a 1/2 break to discuss it when they got back to the office...I can already picture Terry in motion!

[Maj Pain]

YOUR LUNCH IS OVER WHEN THE SHORT HAND GETS TO ONE O CLOCK.............BITCH.(view of Terry Tate chasing the other one down the hall................WHOOO WHOOO THE PAIN TRAIN IS HERE!!!!!!!!!

[Martha]

Good Stuff! When my Dad and his brothers were coming up thats what boys in a small town did. They finished High School and joined the Military; back then Gordon College was Gordon Military High School adn thats where they all attended. Nuttin' wrong wid dat! I am pushing both my kids that way; kikin an screeemin Awe Yeah! LOL not really they're up to it. Thanks for all you've done to keep us safe, Major!

Martha
Soldiersangels.org

[lady leatherneck]

oorah! Maj.Pain!
ditto on everything.
I leave for Parris Island Right around election time, and i'd LOVE to come out knowing that you were president!

[liza]

You got also my vote!

By the way, I love reading your posts. Great!

[JM SINCLAIR]

I agree brother. As a 4 year Marine Vet, I fully agree. However may I add that ENGLISH should be mandatory to learn in this country. I've been out now for 6 months and turned down for 3 jobs becuase I don't speak that whore language.